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The Power of Validation: Supporting Your Child Through Eating Disorder Recovery

The Power of Validation: Supporting Your Child Through Eating Disorder Recovery

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Is your teen struggling with an eating disorder?

As a parent, witnessing that struggle and feeling like nothing you say helps or wondering if you’re helping or are making things worse, can be one of the most difficult obstacles to navigate as a parent. And if you’ve felt this way, know that you are not alone. These aren’t experiences most of us know how to prepare for–there are no tools for caring for a loved one with an eating disorder in general parenting books. Unlike clinicians who go to school and receive on-going training to help people in recovery, parents have no such roadmap.

Witnessing your child struggling with an eating disorder can feel overwhelming, confusing, and deeply painful. As a parent, you naturally want to help, but knowing how to respond in the most effective way is not always intuitive. One key tool you can use to support your child’s recovery is validation–understanding what it is, why it matters, and how to practice it can make a world of difference for both your child and your family.

What Is Validation (And what it is not)?

Validation is the act of recognizing, understanding, and accepting someone’s feelings or experiences as real and meaningful.

Caregivers often worry that their validation will give their child permission to restrict food or purge–but that’s not the effect that validation has. Validating your child’s emotional experience doesn’t mean endorsing or encouraging damaging behaviors. What it does mean is that you are able to acknowledge their emotional reality without judgment. This practice lets your teen know that you are someone safe to turn to, because you will listen without assigning “right” or “wrong” to what they are feeling, and are instead there to try and understand their experience so you can better support them. Practicing validation can also be helpful for parents or caregivers in the moment because it often diffuses intense reactions you may be experiencing, and give you a moment to listen rather than react.

What validation is:

  • Actively listening and showing empathy.
  • Communicating that their feelings make sense, given their perspective.
  • Offering a safe space for them to share their struggles without fear of criticism.

What validation is not:

  • Agreeing with unhealthy behaviors or distorted beliefs about food, body, or worth.
  • Dismissing your own boundaries or enabling harmful actions.
  • Fixing their problems or trying to reason them out of their feelings.

Why Validation Is Crucial in Healing

Validation is a cornerstone of emotional healing because it helps your child feel heard, understood, and less alone. Eating disorders often thrive in silence and shame, and by validating the emotional experience your child is having, you help dismantle the isolation that fuels their struggle.

When your child feels validated, their nervous system can move out of a heightened state of stress or fear (often referred to as “fight, flight, or freeze”) into a calmer, more regulated state. This shift is essential because a regulated nervous system allows your child to:

  • Think more clearly and process emotions more effectively.
  • Develop healthy coping mechanisms.
  • Engage more fully in therapy and other forms of treatment.

Fears Parents May Have About Validation

Parents often worry that validation might:

  • Encourage unhealthy behaviors: It’s important to remember that validating your child’s feelings is not the same as endorsing their actions. For example, “I can imagine that it is very hard for you to complete your meal right now because it makes you anxious” is letting them know that you understand what they are struggling against, without encouraging them to restrict themselves.
  • Undermine parental authority: Validation doesn’t mean you have to compromise your boundaries or expectations. In other words, because you understand how hard it is for them to eat, that doesn’t mean you let them go unnourished.
  • Reinforce disordered thoughts: Validation focuses on emotions, not necessarily agreeing with the thoughts driving them. For example, saying, “It makes sense that you feel overwhelmed right now” doesn’t mean you agree with their belief that they “must” restrict food to feel in control.

Barriers to Validating Your Child

It’s not always easy to validate your child’s emotions, especially when:

  • Their feelings seem irrational or extreme. For example, your child may be fearful that they will gain a bunch of weight if they eat a piece of bread or that if they get a B in a class they won’t get a good job.
  • You’re feeling triggered, stressed, or unsure of how to respond.
  • You’re worried about saying the “wrong” thing and making things worse. The important thing is that you are trying and your teen will see that you are trying to understand them and what they are experiencing.
  • Your own emotions—such as frustration, fear, or sadness—are taking over in the moment. If this is the case, you may need to take a step back and come back later to your teen and validate them later. It is never too late.

Validation often doesn’t come naturally to us (I know when in my personal relationships I often find it challenging, and I am a therapist!). The good news is that validation is a skill that you can learn and practice.

Examples of How to Validate

Here are some ways to practice validation in everyday conversations:

  1. Listen Without Interrupting: Show you’re fully present by maintaining eye contact, nodding, and responding with short affirmations like “I’m listening” or “Tell me more.”
  2. Reflect Their Emotions: Paraphrase what they’ve shared to make sure you understand what they are saying. For example, “It sounds like you’re feeling really anxious about eating today, am I understanding that correctly?”
  3. Normalize Their Feelings: Help them see their emotions as a natural response. For instance, “I can understand why you’d feel overwhelmed; this is a big change for you.”
  4. Acknowledge Their Struggle: Recognize the difficulty of their experience. For example, “I can see how hard this is for you, and I’m here to support you.”

Ways to Practice Validation

Validation is a skill that can be developed with practice. Here are some tips:

  • Pause Before Responding: Take a deep breath to ground yourself if you’re feeling reactive. This both gives you a moment to decide how to respond, and helps to regulate your emotions so you are more able to respond intentionally.
  • Practice Empathy: Try to see the situation from your child’s perspective. Ask yourself, “How might this feel for them?” If you don’t know how they are feeling, ask.
  • Use “I” Statements: For example, “I’m here for you” or “I want to understand how you’re feeling” or “I can see why this feels overwhelming” rather than focusing on what they “should” do can help show your teen that you want to be an active support for them, and don’t want to blame them for what they are struggling with.
  • Role-Play Scenarios: If you’re working with a therapist or support group, practice validating responses to common situations.

A Path to Healing

Validation is not a magic cure, but it lays a critical foundation for healing. By helping your child feel seen and understood, you create a space where they can face their struggles without fear of judgment. Over time, this fosters the emotional resilience and trust they need to move toward recovery.

As a parent, you don’t have to be perfect—and there will be times when you stumble. 

But each effort you make to validate your child’s emotions is a step toward connection and healing. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Reach out for support, whether from therapists, support groups, or other parents who understand the challenges of eating disorder recovery. Together, you can help your child find their way to health and hope.

As a therapist who is also a dietitian, I can help you understand what is going on from both angles. If you are in Texas and interested in working with me, click here to fill out a contact form. I would love to support you and your child on your journey to health.

Book Review: When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder is a Must-Read

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In the book When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder: Practical Strategies to Help Your Teen Recover from Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating, author Dr. Lauren Muhlheim discusses eating disorders and their treatment in great depth.

If you think your child or teen has an eating disorder this is a must read.

Eating disorders can perplex many parents and clinicians alike. Your teen may not be acting like their usual self, and it’s hard to know if this is just normal teenage angst or something more serious. If your teen has an eating disorder, they may have changed greatly right before your eyes: refusing food, feeling anxious around eating, or experiencing changes in mood and energy.

You may have tried several times to talk with them about the importance of eating and try to reassure them that they are not gaining weight. (In fact, they are likely losing weight.) But, your child’s struggles seem to be getting worse not better.

If your teen has not seen a doctor yet about their eating disorder this is the first step to make sure they are medically stable.

This book can help guide you and your family in treatment while establishing an eating disorder treatment team consisting, at minimum, of a doctor and therapist.

About the Book

When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder discusses the complicated concepts surrounding eating disorders in teens in a non-clinical manner, so it can be more easily understood. The book provides helpful information about eating disorders, an overview of various treatment options, and goes into depth about a unique and well-studied treatment called Family-Based Treatment (FBT).

The author of the book, Dr. Lauren Mulheim, owns a counseling and training center in southern California called Eating Disorder Therapy LA. She uses Family-Based Treatment in her clinic and has been instrumental in training many of the eating disorder therapists in the Los Angeles area and beyond. She is currently serving on the advisory panel of FEAST (an organization providing support to families of those impacted by eating disorders) and is a regular speaker at national eating disorder conferences.

If you are a parent worried about your child and unsure how to help them overcome their eating disorder, or a clinician wanting to learn more about FBT, this book is a must-read. As an eating disorder therapist myself, I recommend this book to all of the families that I work with and to other clinicians. It will be a great resource and provide a glimmer of hope to you on your journey.

What is discussed in When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder?

When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder outlines the complexities of eating disorders and the impact that they can have on your teen (and your family’s) life.

A thorough list of the early warning signs of an eating disorder are discussed. These warning signs include:

  • Changes in eating and/or exercise habits
  • Frequent trips to the bathroom
  • Changes in body weight
  • Loss of menstrual cycle
  • Complaining of of feeling cold all of the time
  • Lack of growth
  • Obsessive thoughts about food, body image
  • Changes in overall mood
  • Poorer concentration

Muhlheim highlights the importance of early detection and intervention with trained clinicians, so that the eating disorder can be addressed before it escalates or becomes chronic.

Dr. Muhlheim provides the reader with an excellent explanation of how malnourishment impacts your teen’s ability to understand how the eating disorder is impacting their mind and body. Parents often feel perplexed when their bright, loving child begins to act irrationally around food. Parents will also learn how to separate their child from their illness, one of the basic assumptions of family-based treatment.

The majority of the book really gets to the heart of the matter: What parents really want to know when their child has an eating disorder. You might be asking yourself questions like “What do we do?” or, “How do we improve our child or teens’ health and get them feeling better again?”

This book can help you answer those questions. In it, Mulheim:

  • Outlines the path to help your child or teen heal from their eating disorder using family based treatment (FBT). Parents will then learn what the path to recovery from an eating disorder looks like using Family-Based Treatment.
  • Discusses the three stages of recovery-nutrition rehabilitation, eating independence and relapse prevention-in depth.
  • Provides parents rationale behind each step so parents can feel empowered to help their child.

Discover Practical and Helpful Tools to Help Your Teen in Eating Disorder Recovery

This book is a practical guide that provides effective, concrete strategies for eating disorder treatment, and examples of how to use them.

Muhlheim helps parents become empowered agents of change amid their child’s eating disorder. The book provides general guidelines about what to feed your child and how to structure meal times. It also highlights how to effectively interact with your child at each stage of treatment, and how to be empathetic with them when they are struggling.

Not only does this book share concrete strategies and practical steps, it also covers the challenges that parents might face during treatment. The book details what to do when your child refuses to eat. It also explains how the parents can get support throughout the difficult journey of helping their child get better. This helps parents know about the hard aspects of treatment they should expect beforehand, so that they are prepared.

Muhlheim provides all of this information while also sharing real-life examples throughout the book. The stories within this book help parents feel less alone about what is going on with their child. It also provides them with a realistic picture of what they are facing. These examples make parents feel more confident about applying the practical tools needed for recovery.

It is normal for parents to worry about how treatment will affect their relationship with their teen. When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder emphasizes the importance of your relationship with your teen in the treatment of their eating disorder.  It talks about how to further develop a family culture of unconditional acceptance and respect and focuses on the importance of trust, empathy, and understanding to support your child in their recovery. Furthermore, it provides the reader with strategies of how to talk to their teen about food and body image during the recovery process.

When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder is a Great Resource For Parents

Whether your teen is struggling with anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder, this book is helpful for parents. This book will help you if your child is newly diagnosed with an eating disorder, in early stages of treatment, or if your teen has been through several rounds of treatment already.

This book will empower you to support your child’s recovery. If you are seeking treatment for your child, it will give you enough information to decide whether or not Family Based Treatment is right for your family. If you decide that FBT is the best treatment option, this book walks you through how to create a treatment team that will be the best fit for your child and family.

As a therapist and parent, I appreciate how this book (and FBT in general), takes a very non-blaming stance on eating disorders. Parents aren’t faulted for the disorder and the child isn’t isolated from their family. This book recognizes the family-based treatment approach and belief that parents are the experts on their child. It emphasizes how treatment for eating disorders needs to include the family for best results and also the importance of meal support and nutritional rehabilitation for recovery. I highly recommend reading this book!

If you think your teen has an eating disorder please consult their doctor for assessment and medical care as eating disorders can be life threatening. If you are a parent and are interested in family-based treatment for your child in Texas, you can schedule a consultation with me here.

If you are a clinician looking for a book that can help you understand eating disorders and family-based treatment, you can get CEU’s for reading this book by clicking here.

*Please note this book is not a substitute for professional help from a doctor and eating disorder treatment professionals.
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Finding Support as the Parent of a Child with an Eating Disorder

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It’s not easy to be a parent or caregiver for someone who is struggling with an eating disorder, at any age.

Parenthood is often described as having your heart walk around outside of your body, so watching your child struggle with such a complicated disorder can be heartbreaking. It’s scary to feel like your child needs help beyond what you can give.

Eating disorders don’t go away without being treated. It is essential for your child to begin treatment for their eating disorder so they can get relief from the distress they are feeling.

As a parent or caregiver, you are an important pillar of support for your child as they go through eating disorder recovery.

Eating disorders are complicated, and we often don’t learn much about them until someone we know is dealing with one. Much of the ‘common knowledge’ out there about eating disorders are actually myths, like that eating disorders only affect teen girls or that they’re not that serious. Eating disorders don’t discriminate by age or gender- anyone can develop an eating disorder. In fact, a common risk factor for developing an eating disorder is a history of dieting.

As the caregiver of someone with an eating disorder, you naturally want to do what you can to help your child through this. Learning more about eating disorders can help you understand what your child is going through, and connecting with other caregivers can give you an opportunity to feel supported yourself. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Here are some resources for caregivers of children with eating disorders:

Eating Disorder Books For Caregivers:

The following books give practical strategies for families supporting their loved one with an eating disorder. They are all using a family-based treatment (FBT) approach to treating an eating disorder.

Family-based treatment empowers the family to help support their child through nutritonal rehabilitation and eating disorder behaviors.

Support Groups + Other Resources for Caregivers

Here are a list of support groups for caregivers. Many families find it helpful to learn that they are not alone in their struggle.

FEAST Resources

Families Empowered and Supporting Treatment for Eating Disorders (Feast) is a non-profit that supports caregivers and loved ones with eating disorders. FEAST provides free support to caregivers around the world:

  • FEAST’s First 30 Days Educational Service
    • Information delivered right to your inbox on how to care for your loved one.
    • “We want to change the course of a family’s caregiving journey in 30 days. These 30 days of lessons are meant to start the family on a new course of empowerment and good information. Over the 30 days you will learn about eating disorders, caregiving, and the resources available for ongoing learning. We will introduce you to the resources and the peer support of our worldwide community.
  • Forums to get support from other caregivers
    • “This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.”
  • Webinar Series that frequently feature leading researchers and experienced clinicians in the field.
  • FEAST’s Parents Do Not Cause Eating Disorders Info Page
      • This statement may seem obvious, but it is the sad history of eating disorder treatment that parents are sometimes still blamed or feel blamed when a loved one develops an eating disorder. For those families suffering from guilt, from feeling blamed, or unsure of who to believe on this topic, here are some things to keep in mind.”

Are you looking for more ways to support your child as they recover from their eating disorder? Working with a treatment team is the gold-standard for eating disorder recovery, as eating disorders impact health in many ways, from physical to mental health.

Part of a treatment team for eating disorders is a psychotherapist. For more information on how I can help, send me a message.

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Parents: An Essential Part Of Eating Disorder Treatment

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To all the parents out there: you are an important part of your child’s eating disorder treatment team! This is true even if your child is no longer a child, but a young adult or an adult. Even if you don’t live with your child, you have an important role to play in eating disorder recovery. 

Why are parents + caregivers so important in eating disorder recovery? 

Therapists, doctors, and dietitians are must-haves on any eating disorder treatment team. But parents have an important role to play too! Here are a few reasons why parents are important in the recovery process:

  • You spend much more time with your child than the treatment team does. As a therapist, I may spend one to two hours a week with your kiddo, you spend dozens of hours!
  • You are usually involved in feeding or making sure that your teen is fed.
  • You have a relationship with them. They trust and love you. If you are a parent of a teen, I know it may not always feel like it, but it is true!
  • You know your child better than anyone else!

Where do eating disorders come from?

Eating disorders are thought to function as a way to cope with uncomfortable feelings. Feeling distressing emotions is, well, distressing. Eating disorders often develop as a coping mechanism to avoid feeling those painful feelings. It’s possible to learn new ways to cope to manage those distressing feelings. 

As a parent, you can learn tools to help your child manage their feelings without using the eating disorder to cope.

When you hear this you may feel like a deer caught in the headlights. 

  • You may be thinking, “Yeah right! I can’t even get through a conversation with my teen without it turning into a fight.” 
  • Or maybe you’re thinking, “I can’t get them to say more than a few words to me.” 
  • You may even be throwing your arms up in exasperation because your kiddo is in total denial of their eating disorder.

If your child has an eating disorder, you may be feeling a range of emotions all of which are okay. You might feel anger, worry, sadness, resentment, disbelief, panic, and hopelessness, to name a few. And you may be feeling no way equipped to help your child recover from an eating disorder, but you are wrong.

Historically, parents weren’t always involved, and at times even discouraged to participate, in the treatment of eating disorders. In recent years, we are learning that parents can be a really powerful tool in their kid’s recovery process. This holds true not just for eating disorders, but for all mental health conditions. Parents have an important role to play! 

Parents often blame themselves or feel responsible for their child’s eating disorder.

I haven’t met a parent or loved one who doesn’t want what is best for their loved one – to be happy and live a productive, healthy life.

Let me be clear: you are not to blame for your child’s eating disorder. 

Eating disorders are complex. They develop for a variety of different reasons including social, biological, and psychological factors. For example, did you know that being a girl or a history of dieting are risk factors for developing an eating disorder?

As an eating disorder therapist + dietitian, I encourage parents to focus less on why their child has an eating disorder, and more on eliminating the eating disorder. 

For example, if your child developed cancer you would spend less thought on why she got it, but more on getting her good treatment.

While you are not to blame for your child’s eating disorder, you certainly can be part of the treatment and solution. Often, parents don’t feel equipped to help their children recover. Parenting is hard, and parenting a teen with an eating disorder has a unique set of challenges. 

You are right you may not have the eating disorder knowledge (yet!) to help. But, you do have a special connection and bond with your child that is so powerful in the treatment of eating disorders.

Some parents report that their kids don’t want help for their eating disorder, or even that they are in denial about their eating disorder. Certainly, this feels like it is true, but it is not. 

Remember eating disorders are a way for your child to cope with discomfort. Yep that’s right – just like their lovey or security blanket that they had as a kiddo! The disorder is serving a purpose, even if it’s not a healthy way to cope. Since the disorder is filling a need, it might seem like on the surface, your child doesn’t want to acknowledge or deal with it. However, living with an eating disorder can be a miserable existence. Your child deserves better!

Now that I have (hopefully) convinced you that you are an important part of your teens recovery, you may be asking yourself how do I help my teen? 

Here are a few tips to get you started.

  1. Get educated about eating disorders. Here are specific resources for parents.
  2. Make sure that your teen has a complete treatment team.
  3. Verbalize to your teen that while you don’t have all the answers, eating disorders are serious mental health conditions, treatment is needed, and that you are going to be there every step of the way to support them.

Are you looking for more ways to support your child as they navigate eating disorder recovery? Please feel free to book a free 15 minute phone call with me to learn how to better support your teen as they navigate an eating disorder.